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| The path to figuring out dating |
I'll be the first to admit I am no expert when it comes to dating, but I have talked to enough people to get a pretty good idea of what to suggest to those ladies wondering, 'what do I need to do to ring in that prince charming?'
Now, I recognize that some of you don't have that problem, but it never hurts to be reminded of some good practices to make sure you're sharpening the saw.
For the guys that are reading this, it is something of a amalgam (nailed it) of sentiments of some of the fellows I've chatted with, along with what I sensed were some of the problems we had with asking a girl on a first date or proceeding to future dates.
Either way, these are a few tips that can help the ladies ring in a nice gent.
1) Be Obvious - Show You're Interested
Here's something that not a secret - usually those guys who aren't players or creepers are pretty oblivious and/or not sure what girls are thinking most of the time. We like to believe you're interested, but we're trying to decide if you're just nice and that's the way you are with everyone, or if you are genuinely interested.
Yeah, a smile and a touch on the arm can go a long way, but you want to make sure something happens? Be obvious.
For example, talk about things that you've wanted to do (it gives us ammo for date ideas) and suggest you should do them together (but be smooth about it). In groups, give your attention to him. Make eye contact, be interested in what he's saying. Don't get distracted by things happening around you (that's a pet peeve of mine). However, don't come on too strong, there needs to be a little bit of a chase.
At the end of the day, you just have to do something that shows that you treat this good fellow different than you treat other fellows. That's the secret to being obvious and interested. Make sure there's no room to doubt that you're interested and that THIS GUY is more than just another nice guy to chat with.
Remember, many potential relationships have been foiled because the lady did not reciprocate enough interest to keep the guy coming back for more.
2) Be a Lone Zebra
While I was an EFY counselor, we used to give girls advice on how to get asked to dance during the dances, because let's face it, who wants to be the one who didn't get asked (yeah, it happens to the best of us). We would tell the little chicas to become a 'lone zebra.'
Have you ever seen those Discovery Channel shows about Africa? Imagine a pack a zebras hitting up the watering hole. Things seem safe enough. Surrounded by the golden grass of the African Savanna, there seems to be no sign of trouble. But wait! A ravenous lion comes charging from out of the brush. The pack of zebras sprint away, but one zebra strays from the pack. We all know how this one ends. Lunchtime. That zebra is caught and devoured.
Most people have the tendency to bunch, but girls do especially. To be honest, it can be super intimidating. It's just plain difficult to approach a pack of girls to ask a single girl out. First off, you feel like you might be interrupting a conversation, and second, what if you asking this girl out makes everyone else in the group feel awkward? Just a few things that run through our head.
What you need to do is become the 'lone zebra.' It works for EFY teenagers. It will work for you. Be available to talk to, one on one. Even if you can't break away from the pack, make yourself approachable, maybe give that guy a little looksie from across the room. Yeah, you have to be a little vulnerable, but it increases your odds of becoming someone's... lunch.
3) Use the 'Third Date Rule'
One of my friends came up with this idea. She would, like usual, allow the guy ask out on the first two dates, BUT for the third date, she would plan and pay for it herself. Now, I might sound like el cheap-o by saying this, but I think it is a great practice for several reasons.
First, it show's that you're interested, hearkening back to the first tip. Second, it let's you get an idea of this guy's personality. Some guys are totally averse to letting the girl ask out and pay - for 'manly reasons.' Those guys are idiots. Don't we believe something about being equal partners? Yeah, that's right. Finally, it takes a lot of pressure off a guy's plate who have, twice, already asked, planned, and paid for dates. Repeating the process can get pretty stressful - you'll find out - so it's nice to have a break, and also, see how creative the lady can be.
Feel it out. See how things are going. But from a guys perspective, I believe this practice is AWESOME.
One More Thing...
For those girls who are somewhere between already knowing a great guy as a friend and trying to initiate a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship here's what I'd tell you.
Sometimes guys just need time to think about it. They are probably weighing different options, trying to decide if they really want to move a friendship to a dating-ship. I've been there. I once knew this girl for about a year or so, and toward the end of the year of knowing each other, we would hang out every day. People already thought we were dating. And we may have held hands a few times... However, it was time for her to move and me to head out for summer sales after graduating, and we needed to decide what was going to happen, because we likely would not see each other ever again.
One thing I will always respect her for doing is, the night before I left, she came out and said that she was interested and she thought we would make good couple. We talked about it and she put the ball in my court. And yes, I had to weigh the options. It was a risky move on her part. I took the night to think about it. However, it paid off and I decided I would rather date her (after some divine intervention) than live with the regret of not having tried.
Granted, the timing was perfect, and she knew and read me well enough to plant the question right when it was most effective. But the bottom line is - she did it. And it worked. However, I am not married (obviously), and that's the other half of the story. I decided that I did not want to marry her. Realize ladies, sometimes that is the case. Someone is just not interested in that way, but better to find out, rather than let it always be one of those regrets.
Conclusion
Remember, many potential relationships have been foiled because the lady did not reciprocate enough interest to keep the guy coming back for more.
2) Be a Lone Zebra
While I was an EFY counselor, we used to give girls advice on how to get asked to dance during the dances, because let's face it, who wants to be the one who didn't get asked (yeah, it happens to the best of us). We would tell the little chicas to become a 'lone zebra.'
Have you ever seen those Discovery Channel shows about Africa? Imagine a pack a zebras hitting up the watering hole. Things seem safe enough. Surrounded by the golden grass of the African Savanna, there seems to be no sign of trouble. But wait! A ravenous lion comes charging from out of the brush. The pack of zebras sprint away, but one zebra strays from the pack. We all know how this one ends. Lunchtime. That zebra is caught and devoured.
Most people have the tendency to bunch, but girls do especially. To be honest, it can be super intimidating. It's just plain difficult to approach a pack of girls to ask a single girl out. First off, you feel like you might be interrupting a conversation, and second, what if you asking this girl out makes everyone else in the group feel awkward? Just a few things that run through our head.
What you need to do is become the 'lone zebra.' It works for EFY teenagers. It will work for you. Be available to talk to, one on one. Even if you can't break away from the pack, make yourself approachable, maybe give that guy a little looksie from across the room. Yeah, you have to be a little vulnerable, but it increases your odds of becoming someone's... lunch.
3) Use the 'Third Date Rule'
One of my friends came up with this idea. She would, like usual, allow the guy ask out on the first two dates, BUT for the third date, she would plan and pay for it herself. Now, I might sound like el cheap-o by saying this, but I think it is a great practice for several reasons.
First, it show's that you're interested, hearkening back to the first tip. Second, it let's you get an idea of this guy's personality. Some guys are totally averse to letting the girl ask out and pay - for 'manly reasons.' Those guys are idiots. Don't we believe something about being equal partners? Yeah, that's right. Finally, it takes a lot of pressure off a guy's plate who have, twice, already asked, planned, and paid for dates. Repeating the process can get pretty stressful - you'll find out - so it's nice to have a break, and also, see how creative the lady can be.
Feel it out. See how things are going. But from a guys perspective, I believe this practice is AWESOME.
One More Thing...
For those girls who are somewhere between already knowing a great guy as a friend and trying to initiate a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship here's what I'd tell you.
Sometimes guys just need time to think about it. They are probably weighing different options, trying to decide if they really want to move a friendship to a dating-ship. I've been there. I once knew this girl for about a year or so, and toward the end of the year of knowing each other, we would hang out every day. People already thought we were dating. And we may have held hands a few times... However, it was time for her to move and me to head out for summer sales after graduating, and we needed to decide what was going to happen, because we likely would not see each other ever again.
One thing I will always respect her for doing is, the night before I left, she came out and said that she was interested and she thought we would make good couple. We talked about it and she put the ball in my court. And yes, I had to weigh the options. It was a risky move on her part. I took the night to think about it. However, it paid off and I decided I would rather date her (after some divine intervention) than live with the regret of not having tried.
Granted, the timing was perfect, and she knew and read me well enough to plant the question right when it was most effective. But the bottom line is - she did it. And it worked. However, I am not married (obviously), and that's the other half of the story. I decided that I did not want to marry her. Realize ladies, sometimes that is the case. Someone is just not interested in that way, but better to find out, rather than let it always be one of those regrets.
Conclusion
I know that these are all pretty basic, but you'd be surprised what going back to the basics can do for you. Dating really is not easy and there are so many different situations that blanket answers can't address, but at the end of the day, what matters is you tried.
Again, I have to stress this is not a perfect list and if you have any comments or suggestions, please let me know. I would appreciate it!
Ladies, good luck, I'm rooting for you (and if future Sister Morgan is reading this post, please feel free to try any of these on me, I volunteer as tribute). And as always may the odds ever be in your favor!
-CM
Again, I have to stress this is not a perfect list and if you have any comments or suggestions, please let me know. I would appreciate it!
Ladies, good luck, I'm rooting for you (and if future Sister Morgan is reading this post, please feel free to try any of these on me, I volunteer as tribute). And as always may the odds ever be in your favor!
-CM
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