Giving Up in Relationships

Lazy

The struggle is real

Yeah, ok, it's been awhile since I've created a new post.  I'll admit I've been a little lazy.  I'm pretty much the master of starting
something and not following through #ENFPproblems (that's a reference to my Myers-Briggs personality, FYI).  That being said, I've had a lot of time to think about what my next post should be about and, lately, this is what has been on my mind.

Fundamentally Mental
I spend a lot of time around single people.  In fact, I am a 'single people,' in the truest sense of the word.  With that, I feel like I've picked up on a sort of disturbing trend that seems to prevail among us twenty-somethings.

That is the destructive belief that dating/marriage is an institution created solely to fulfill our, as in my, needs.

This idea is fundamentally wrong on both a societal and spiritual level.  It is the assumption, that we get married, date someone, go out on a date, or even initiate a relationship so that someone else can bring happiness, pleasure, and/or fulfillment into our lives.

Of course, these positive feelings are byproducts of a relationship, but that should not be the driving factor behind why we want to start one.  It is the giving of self, or more appropriately, the losing of self, that produces real happiness.  That is a process that starts on the inside and moves outward, manifesting itself in - get this - a desire to start a relationship.

As a matter of doctrine, we are to give ourselves in marriage.  Meaning, it is not about receiving.

Giving Up

Squeeeeeermy...

I feel a little squirmy when I hear people talk about what they are hoping to get out of a relationship.  To be honest, I'm guilty of this, we all are sometimes.  However, we cannot forget that good relationships come at the cost of giving, not getting.

It seems that those who don't have much 'serious relationship' experience, occasionally do not realize how much relationships consists of giving.  And that doesn't just mean giving of time or means.  It sometime means the giving of validation; the giving of interest (whether real or feigned); giving up of tightly held beliefs that are tied to one's pride rather than doctrine; or more heart-wrenching, the giving up of dreams, where a person becomes more important than aspirations.

The world says we shouldn't give up who we are.  God says we need give up everything, but promises something better.  No more is this true than in a relationship with someone we love.  Sometimes those who have a lot of dating experience forget, or maybe never learned, that a good relationship is based upon sacrifice.

Frankly, those who do understand this concept often still have a ways to go in actually practicing it.  Even those who think they've nailed it, and seem to give more than they receive, could stand to examine motivations, attitudes, and practices.  No one does it perfectly.

That being said, take stock of your life.  Do some personal inventory.  Think about what habits, traits, attitudes, and beliefs you may have currently, that could lead to selfishness.  We all have room to improve.

Love is a Verb

Me, Falcon Punching stupid people

Sometimes I want to (falcon) punch people in the face, metaphorically speaking, those who go through person after
person complaining how they never feel anything 'special' in their dating pursuits.

Almost every time I hear that, I am reminded of a story from Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, in which Stephen Covey, talking to a man who proclaims to not feel love for his wife anymore, explains,

“Love is a verb. Love – the feeling – is the fruit of love the verb or our loving actions. So love her. Sacrifice. Listen to her. Empathize. Appreciate. Affirm her.”

It can't be stated enough, love is a verb.  The way we feel 'love' the feeling, is by acting lovingly.  I cannot tell you how many people have won me over by being attentive, loving, and present in a relationship that started out in a way that was anything but romantic.

Simply put, if you've been through person after person in your dating pool and at no point have you felt anything, it's probably because you are not doing anything.  You are not loving.

The Danger of Giving

Just walk away...

As with everything there is some inherent danger in giving.  In one case, it's being the one in the relationship who is constantly giving and having a partner, or love interest, that is not reciprocating.  It's a risk we all run.  In fact, I wrote a previous blog on this topic HERE.  Sometimes we just need to be willing to accept that it will occasionally be like that.  In those cases, if you are certain you have done your part, it's sometimes healthier to walk away.

However, in other cases, the opposite is true.  We may believe that we have given so much that we somehow deserve to be loved because of all we've given.  That is false.  In fact, it leads to even more dissatisfaction and unhappiness, and is selfishness in another form - entitlement.  I could write a whole post about that subject... In fact, I probably will.

Conclusion
Although I may be preaching to the choir, the lesson I am reminded over and over that we shouldn't try and jump into a relationship so we, ourselves, can feel fulfilled.  That's not what it's about.  It's about loving.  It's about giving of self.  Giving up self.  For many of us, I think as soon as we can make the jump to that attitude, we can find someone who really makes us happy, because we really want to make them happy.

So, that's the challenge.  If you're dating one poor fella, or lady, after another, ask yourself, "how am I reaching out and 'loving'?"  I think you'll find, that not only will your relationships improve, but you will become a genuinely better person.  And of course, as with everything, it's not going to happen overnight, but slowly and steadily.

So that's my post for this week!  As always, I wish you luck in your pursuits!  Hit me up if you have stories, ideas, or posts you want to get on here!

- CM

Valentines, Curse Words, and Priorities

Miss Sailor Mouth
Several weeks ago I had the chance to attend an FHE where we went to visit patrons of the Highland Cove care center, a quintessential retirement home.

After talking to a few patrons (and mistaking a member of the Highland Cove bishopric for one of them), I came across a pleasant, but sailor-mouthed, lady.  Following a brief introduction, several curse words, and her explaining how her husband had passed away, we started to talk about her life.  She told me how her husband had been a dentist and then a member of the faculty the U and how she used to live in a town right outside the Bingham copper mine.  Eventually, the conversation turned to the story of how her and her husband had met.

Speakin' like a sailor

She had been "going with" (her term, not mine) a fellow for quite some time until one night they had a date planned, but instead of taking his lady out, this good fellow decided a fraternity meeting was more important.  So, he decided to make the long trip back into Salt Lake City to attend the meeting, leaving Miss Sailor Mouth all to herself.  The day was Valentines Day.  She decided at that point, if that meeting was important to him, she was done.  Fortunately, later that night, she was set up by her sister with a fellow who would be her future husband.  The rest was history.

I've since taken a lot of time to think about her story and come to the conclusion that she was spot on.

Priorities
Recently, I had been involved with a couple girls (no, I wasn't playing the field, I was dating a couple different people, as we have been counseled to do).  I found that time after time, we were trying to schedule time to spend with each other around other activities.  Fine.  They had lives, I understood this, but it became a little ridiculous months later, when it happened over and over and over.  Even my mom and my friends were beginning to wonder what was going on.

When we're 'in like,' we tend to give those we like the benefit of the doubt, but it starts to become a little toxic after we keep having to repeatedly justify the actions of those we care about.  It's not the making for a good relationship.

Likewise, if we find ourselves prioritizing our friends, social activities, or other great, but less important activities over spending time with someone we like, we need to ask ourselves, 'what do my priorities say about how I really feel about this person?'

So, what happened with those chicas (did you forget about them)?  I dropped 'em like they were hot.

No, what actually happened is, a little later on, I went on a date with a girl in Provo (of all places) who by her nonverbals and actions, showed me I was a priority to her.  Even though things didn't work (timing is the worst), I realized, 'wow, this is what it should feel like.'

How did it feel?  It felt great.  In fact, the disparity between what I felt with her and the other girls was so great, I decided that day it was time to pull a Miss Sailor Mouth.

Let It Go 
I'm a pretty firm believer that if something is really important to us, we'll make time for it.  The truth is, we pretty instinctively know where we fall on someone's priorities.  If we're the one prioritizing, and we find that we put more time into other activities, it may be time to fess up to our guts and let he other person go.

Obviously, there should be moderation in all things, and we should live a balanced life, even when we're in or initiating a relationship.  However, let us not hold on to a relationship that we are placed low on the list priorities.  Let us also not hold on to relationships we are placing low on our priorities.

In both cases, we should follow Elsa's advice and 'let it go.'

You tell us Elsa

Conclusion
We all deserve someone who will value us and our time.  Finding that person who sees us as a priority and being able to accept that we won't be 'everything at all times' to that person may be one of the more difficult challenges, but as President Uchtdorf said, "Love is really spelled T-I-M-E" and it's something we ought to strive for.

Yeah, not all of us show our love by spending 'quality time' with people, but we can still show where our priorities lie in how we use our time - doing something for our sweetheart, serving them in a way that doesn't require them there, etc.  The bottom line is, whether you're sticking around when someone is prioritizing you below friends and activities, or you are doing this to someone else, we're certainly guilty of both, the answer is the same - let it go.

You may have to start back at square one, but you will be all the happier because of it.  Who knows, maybe that special someone is right around the corner.

Anyway, hope this message helps!  Good luck!  I'm rootin' for you!

-CM

Three Tips for the Ladies

For Reals?

The path to figuring out dating

You may be asking, 'who are you to offer dating tips to the ladies?' followed by some type of eye roll and a small scowl.  For those of you too nice to do that, you're probably doing it on the inside.

I'll be the first to admit I am no expert when it comes to dating, but I have talked to enough people  to get a pretty good idea of what to suggest to those ladies wondering, 'what do I need to do to ring in that prince charming?'

Now, I recognize that some of you don't have that problem, but it never hurts to be reminded of some good practices to make sure you're sharpening the saw.

For the guys that are reading this, it is something of a amalgam (nailed it) of sentiments of some of the fellows I've chatted with, along with what I sensed were some of the problems we had with asking a girl on a first date or proceeding to future dates.

Either way, these are a few tips that can help the ladies ring in a nice gent.

1) Be Obvious - Show You're Interested
Here's something that not a secret - usually those guys who aren't players or creepers are pretty oblivious and/or not sure what girls are thinking most of the time.  We like to believe you're interested, but we're trying to decide if you're just nice and that's the way you are with everyone, or if you are genuinely interested.

Yeah, a smile and a touch on the arm can go a long way, but you want to make sure something happens?  Be obvious.

For example, talk about things that you've wanted to do (it gives us ammo for date ideas) and suggest you should do them together (but be smooth about it).  In groups, give your attention to him.  Make eye contact, be interested in what he's saying.  Don't get distracted by things happening around you (that's a pet peeve of mine).  However, don't come on too strong, there needs to be a little bit of a chase.

At the end of the day, you just have to do something that shows that you treat this good fellow different than you treat other fellows. That's the secret to being obvious and interested. Make sure there's no room to doubt that you're interested and that THIS GUY is more than just another nice guy to chat with.

Remember, many potential relationships have been foiled because the lady did not reciprocate enough interest to keep the guy coming back for more.

2) Be a Lone Zebra
While I was an EFY counselor, we used to give girls advice on how to get asked to dance during the dances, because let's face it, who wants to be the one who didn't get asked (yeah, it happens to the best of us).  We would tell the little chicas to become a 'lone zebra.'

Have you ever seen those Discovery Channel shows about Africa?  Imagine a pack a zebras hitting up the watering hole.  Things seem safe enough.  Surrounded by the golden grass of the African Savanna, there seems to be no sign of trouble.  But wait!  A ravenous lion comes charging from out of the brush.  The pack of zebras sprint away, but one zebra strays from the pack.  We all know how this one ends.  Lunchtime.  That zebra is caught and devoured.

Most people have the tendency to bunch, but girls do especially.  To be honest, it can be super intimidating.  It's just plain difficult to approach a pack of girls to ask a single girl out.  First off, you feel like you might be interrupting a conversation, and second, what if you asking this girl out makes everyone else in the group feel awkward?  Just a few things that run through our head.

What you need to do is become the 'lone zebra.'  It works for EFY teenagers.  It will work for you.  Be available to talk to, one on one.  Even if you can't break away from the pack, make yourself approachable, maybe give that guy a little looksie from across the room.  Yeah, you have to be a little vulnerable, but it increases your odds of becoming someone's... lunch.

3) Use the 'Third Date Rule'
One of my friends came up with this idea.  She would, like usual, allow the guy ask out on the first two dates, BUT for the third date, she would plan and pay for it herself.  Now, I might sound like el cheap-o by saying this, but I think it is a great practice for several reasons.

First, it show's that you're interested, hearkening back to the first tip.  Second, it let's you get an idea of this guy's personality.  Some guys are totally averse to letting the girl ask out and pay - for 'manly reasons.'  Those guys are idiots. Don't we believe something about being equal partners?  Yeah, that's right.  Finally, it takes a lot of pressure off a guy's plate who have, twice, already asked, planned, and paid for dates.  Repeating the process can get pretty stressful - you'll find out - so it's nice to have a break, and also, see how creative the lady can be.

Feel it out.  See how things are going.  But from a guys perspective, I believe this practice is AWESOME.

One More Thing...
For those girls who are somewhere between already knowing a great guy as a friend and trying to initiate a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship here's what I'd tell you.

Sometimes guys just need time to think about it.  They are probably weighing different options, trying to decide if they really want to move a friendship to a dating-ship.  I've been there.  I once knew this girl for about a year or so, and toward the end of the year of knowing each other, we would hang out every day.  People already thought we were dating.  And we may have held hands a few times...  However, it was time for her to move and me to head out for summer sales after graduating, and we needed to decide what was going to happen, because we likely would not see each other ever again.

One thing I will always respect her for doing is, the night before I left, she came out and said that she was interested and she thought we would make good couple.  We talked about it and she put the ball in my court.  And yes, I had to weigh the options.  It was a risky move on her part.  I took the night to think about it.  However, it paid off and I decided I would rather date her (after some divine intervention) than live with the regret of not having tried.

Granted, the timing was perfect, and she knew and read me well enough to plant the question right when it was most effective.  But the bottom line is - she did it.  And it worked.  However, I am not married (obviously), and that's the other half of the story.  I decided that I did not want to marry her.  Realize ladies, sometimes that is the case.  Someone is just not interested in that way, but better to find out, rather than let it always be one of those regrets.

Conclusion

I know that these are all pretty basic, but you'd be surprised what going back to the basics can do for you.  Dating really is not easy and there are so many different situations that blanket answers can't address, but at the end of the day, what matters is you tried.

Again, I have to stress this is not a perfect list and if you have any comments or suggestions, please let me know.  I would appreciate it!

Ladies, good luck, I'm rooting for you (and if future Sister Morgan is reading this post, please feel free to try any of these on me, I volunteer as tribute).  And as always may the odds ever be in your favor!

-CM

Twenty-Something. Mormon. Single.: A Blog About Awkward, Twenty-Something Dating

Guys, I know it's been done before.

But, let's be real.

Being Mormon and single is kind of ridiculous.  It starts with graduating college or getting off your mission.  You're thrust into this world of low commitment, Tinder, and awkward social activities.  Every day reminded of how we need to get married.

For some of us, that stage is not long drawn out.  A few are able to nip it right in the keister and knock that whole marriage thing out right when they're twenty-one or straight out of high school.

Good for you.

For the rest of us, there's a strange twilight zone in your twenty-something years.  A time when we have to figure out who we are, where we're going, and why we're here... But not the Plan of Salvation answers.

I wanted to create a blog that is for the peculiar group of people who are cruising somewhere between finishing college and being along in your career.  That select few that doesn't seem to get much attention other than being called menaces to society.  And quite frankly.  Some of us are.  Present company excluded, of course.

Much of what will be written here is based on experience and interviews.  Interviews meaning, talking to people and getting their opinion.  Both guys and gals.

This blog is intended to be pretty light-hearted and fun, although, it will contain actual advice and lessons learned.  At the end of the day, hopefully, we can all learn for ourselves that it is not good for man to be alone; be that much closer to being able to fulfill that scriptural injunction to "multiply and replenish the earth;" and get that point where the "M" word is no longer a joke, but something that we have, hold, and cherish.

So, enjoy.  I'm always up for questions or topics to be discussed and success stories or guest posts as well.  Hit me up.

And of course, may the odds be ever in your favor.

-CM