Giving Up in Relationships

Lazy

The struggle is real

Yeah, ok, it's been awhile since I've created a new post.  I'll admit I've been a little lazy.  I'm pretty much the master of starting
something and not following through #ENFPproblems (that's a reference to my Myers-Briggs personality, FYI).  That being said, I've had a lot of time to think about what my next post should be about and, lately, this is what has been on my mind.

Fundamentally Mental
I spend a lot of time around single people.  In fact, I am a 'single people,' in the truest sense of the word.  With that, I feel like I've picked up on a sort of disturbing trend that seems to prevail among us twenty-somethings.

That is the destructive belief that dating/marriage is an institution created solely to fulfill our, as in my, needs.

This idea is fundamentally wrong on both a societal and spiritual level.  It is the assumption, that we get married, date someone, go out on a date, or even initiate a relationship so that someone else can bring happiness, pleasure, and/or fulfillment into our lives.

Of course, these positive feelings are byproducts of a relationship, but that should not be the driving factor behind why we want to start one.  It is the giving of self, or more appropriately, the losing of self, that produces real happiness.  That is a process that starts on the inside and moves outward, manifesting itself in - get this - a desire to start a relationship.

As a matter of doctrine, we are to give ourselves in marriage.  Meaning, it is not about receiving.

Giving Up

Squeeeeeermy...

I feel a little squirmy when I hear people talk about what they are hoping to get out of a relationship.  To be honest, I'm guilty of this, we all are sometimes.  However, we cannot forget that good relationships come at the cost of giving, not getting.

It seems that those who don't have much 'serious relationship' experience, occasionally do not realize how much relationships consists of giving.  And that doesn't just mean giving of time or means.  It sometime means the giving of validation; the giving of interest (whether real or feigned); giving up of tightly held beliefs that are tied to one's pride rather than doctrine; or more heart-wrenching, the giving up of dreams, where a person becomes more important than aspirations.

The world says we shouldn't give up who we are.  God says we need give up everything, but promises something better.  No more is this true than in a relationship with someone we love.  Sometimes those who have a lot of dating experience forget, or maybe never learned, that a good relationship is based upon sacrifice.

Frankly, those who do understand this concept often still have a ways to go in actually practicing it.  Even those who think they've nailed it, and seem to give more than they receive, could stand to examine motivations, attitudes, and practices.  No one does it perfectly.

That being said, take stock of your life.  Do some personal inventory.  Think about what habits, traits, attitudes, and beliefs you may have currently, that could lead to selfishness.  We all have room to improve.

Love is a Verb

Me, Falcon Punching stupid people

Sometimes I want to (falcon) punch people in the face, metaphorically speaking, those who go through person after
person complaining how they never feel anything 'special' in their dating pursuits.

Almost every time I hear that, I am reminded of a story from Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, in which Stephen Covey, talking to a man who proclaims to not feel love for his wife anymore, explains,

“Love is a verb. Love – the feeling – is the fruit of love the verb or our loving actions. So love her. Sacrifice. Listen to her. Empathize. Appreciate. Affirm her.”

It can't be stated enough, love is a verb.  The way we feel 'love' the feeling, is by acting lovingly.  I cannot tell you how many people have won me over by being attentive, loving, and present in a relationship that started out in a way that was anything but romantic.

Simply put, if you've been through person after person in your dating pool and at no point have you felt anything, it's probably because you are not doing anything.  You are not loving.

The Danger of Giving

Just walk away...

As with everything there is some inherent danger in giving.  In one case, it's being the one in the relationship who is constantly giving and having a partner, or love interest, that is not reciprocating.  It's a risk we all run.  In fact, I wrote a previous blog on this topic HERE.  Sometimes we just need to be willing to accept that it will occasionally be like that.  In those cases, if you are certain you have done your part, it's sometimes healthier to walk away.

However, in other cases, the opposite is true.  We may believe that we have given so much that we somehow deserve to be loved because of all we've given.  That is false.  In fact, it leads to even more dissatisfaction and unhappiness, and is selfishness in another form - entitlement.  I could write a whole post about that subject... In fact, I probably will.

Conclusion
Although I may be preaching to the choir, the lesson I am reminded over and over that we shouldn't try and jump into a relationship so we, ourselves, can feel fulfilled.  That's not what it's about.  It's about loving.  It's about giving of self.  Giving up self.  For many of us, I think as soon as we can make the jump to that attitude, we can find someone who really makes us happy, because we really want to make them happy.

So, that's the challenge.  If you're dating one poor fella, or lady, after another, ask yourself, "how am I reaching out and 'loving'?"  I think you'll find, that not only will your relationships improve, but you will become a genuinely better person.  And of course, as with everything, it's not going to happen overnight, but slowly and steadily.

So that's my post for this week!  As always, I wish you luck in your pursuits!  Hit me up if you have stories, ideas, or posts you want to get on here!

- CM